Chatter in the Skull - Part I. Ch. 3
Chatter in the Skull
Or—Thoughts at 5 a.m.: The Ramblings of an Anxious Mind
Part I – Ch. 3:
Maybe I Don’t Need Anyone
June 2021 – Charleston, SC
I have no THC cannabis. Only CBD hemp.
My dreams have been strange, but not nearly as intense or as vivid as they would be if I stopped smoking altogether. I want to quit smoking, only because it seems to consume so much of my time and energy. It’s become so much of an addictive habit at this point. Habits aren't easy to break, either, and addictions are even harder.
A friend said they sent me Colorado herb in the mail today. Should be here next week, so I guess I won't be quitting any time soon.
And I don't know what keeps happening to all of my time. One minute I have plenty of it in the day to accomplish tasks, the next minute the sun is long gone and I still haven't managed to eat dinner. I look back at my day and wonder where in the world I spent that time, what could I have been doing that took up so much of it? It’s a mystery. I do nothing and time evaporates as I breathe. It slips away while I sit and worry about all of the things, everything I should be doing instead of actually doing them.
I can't keep living like this.
Earlier I was very close to having an anxiety attack. I probably was having an anxiety attack. I just want to feel relaxed in that peace again. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt truly at ease. I don't know if this will ever go away and I'm a little afraid I'm going to feel like this forever. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know if I just needed to sit for a while with some feelings, but the last 3 years have been the least amount of movement I've had in a very long time. I didn’t intend to stop traveling for quite so long, but 2020 changed the plans.
Maybe I’m just lonely. I want a lover, but I don't know if I'm ever going to find someone. I'm honestly a little doubtful. I've never been with anyone that I truly matched well with. I honestly don’t know why I stayed with some of my ex-lovers for as long as I did. Looking back, they weren't much like me at all.
Now I have all these standards for finding someone who fits my ideal. I’m waiting for that person I fit perfectly with, like a missing puzzle piece. But I don't know if that even exists in the world. It sounds kind of like a fantasy. Everybody is so different how could you possibly find someone that is an exact match to who you are. I feel like inevitably each person would sacrifice a piece of who they are to better fit the other, letting go of personal identity, and merging themselves with another.
I want true love, I want to find someone who's a great match for me, but it's hard to believe that's out there when so many people I meet don't seem to connect with me on the kind of level I want. I feel like, for me, one of the most important things I'm going to need to find in a potential partner is a deep intellectual connection. I think so much and so deeply, it would be nice to have a person who wants to chat about my inner dialogues.
But maybe that's not what I need. Maybe the perfect fit for me would be someone to counterbalance my dreamy, never-ending thought patterns. Maybe I need a partner who can bring me into reality and out of my mind. Someone to keep me present and anchored to the moment.
Or maybe I don't need anyone at all. Maybe I just need to be by myself.
–Although, that does sound awfully lonely and life is an awfully long to spend alone.